what about the twinkie

I just realized something today...I absolutely love love love my husband (gimme a minute- that isn't what I just realized it goes deeper than that...be patient!) Although I love him I seem to talk about him a lot in a complaining manner. Now in all previous relationships I have been the opposite. I have always talked about my boyfriends in the highest regards even when they were assholes. I know, I make so much sense don't I!? So my thought today was why? I absolutely love him (and as I am writing this right now I am having another epiphany)...My previous boyfriends, especially 2, were dicks. (That was not an epiphany, again, be patient!) They had nothing to offer me and treated me poorly. So I guess to justify being in the relationships I had to talk about them in a positive light. And with my hubby- he treats me so good and is an awesome catch I feel I can talk about the things that annoy me because I don't have to justify why I am with him. It makes me sad though that I complain about him. My original thought/realization tonight was I do it because I was so used to being all about my man and so wrapped up in him that I lost myself a lot. I think a big part of me is trying to make sure that doesn't happen again. I don't trust myself. I should, but with my history it is difficult. My hubby is the best and I shouldn't let the past dictate to me how I am in this relationship. I feel like I struggle, and sometimes way too much, to keep my independence. It has been more of a burden since we got married. It is just something I have identified that I need to work on. I need to practice changing my perception a bit and learn to trust myself a bit more. Why, every time I become self aware of something, it becomes more work for me??? Denial? Where are you???

I hate not having any friends here in Denver. It has been 3 months since we moved here and the only person I have to hang out with is my husband. While that is great most of the time, I need someone else. I desperately want a friend I can hang with or watch a movie with, maybe go dancing with, etc. Sean has a good friend here and I just feel really sad that I don't have anyone like that. I only work a part time job, so I don't have a lot of opportunity to meet people there. We don't have money to do a lot of things, so we sit at home A LOT. I'm just so sick of being bored and trapped at home. I want a friend here. I know I have to be patient, but it just seems like EVERYTHING is taking so much longer than I anticipated. I'm just envious that Sean has someone and I really have no one but him. I HATE that. Plus I miss my family. I was able to see them every week when I was back home and now I'm lucky to see them once a month or even longer. Maybe I will feel better when I get a job, but right now I just feel really sad and lonely. Part of it too is I don't know how to reach out to people anymore. At least I feel like I don't. I feel so unsure of myself now. It's like I have had so much change in my life recently and I don't know who I am. All I do know is I am really lonely.

Today at work was a true testament of how spoiled and lazy humans have become. I work part-time at a well known retailer. We have 2 sets of exit doors- an automatic set and a manual set. Each set leads to another set, so you have to go through 2 sets of doors to exit. The automatic set was broken. Each door had a sign on it stating it was broken and please use the other doors. Who wants to guess how many people ignored those signs until they just about walked into the door? Yep, most. I had a brilliant idea- put up caution tape so it was more obvious. I did just that. I blocked the doors- both sets. It seemed to help some people, yet some still were completely confused. Two people in particular almost had me snot because they were so ridiculous. One occurred before the caution tape went up. I was standing up front, by the doors and I warned this woman that the doors she was about to walk into were broken. She thanked me and went to the manual doors, stood in front of them, turned to me, and simply asked, "Are these broken too?" Here comes the almost snot from holding in my hard-to-control laughter. I was a little dumbfounded that she couldn't figure out it was a door she had to push! Is this what our society has come to? We can't push doors open now? Seriously?! We get confused about how a door works? It makes me so sad...the next is by far the best. This is post caution tape. This guy is heading to the broken doors. I say nothing, because surely this man will see the caution tape in time to save face. NOPE. He walked straight into the tape and only stopped when he met the resistance of the tape. He was shocked and pissed. It gets better. He goes out the first set of manual doors and heads straight to the second set of broken door (that, too, had caution tape blocking it.) He would not give the doors the satisfaction of his defeat! Now to get the true effect of this: if the guy had walked straight five paces he would've been out the second set of manual doors and free from his embarrassment. However, this jackass turns and walks out of his way to the other doors. He tries to open them by angrily shaking them. Frustrated and defeated by the tricky doors the man walks back to and exits from the manual doors.

Is anyone amazed and oddly fascinated by human perplexities? I find it shameful that when it comes down to it we get confused on how to push a door open (especially when it says PUSH.)
 

I changed my computer backdrop to a picture of my Nana and me at my wedding. I was just looking at it and I feel happy to have had that moment with her. Love you Nana!

It has been sooooo long since I posted anything here. I almost forgot I had an account. Hee. There is so much I would like to write about...however, I have to write about my overwhelming worry (I guess it is worry or anxiety or some other similar emotion.) May 28, 2008 I worked my last day at my job (I LOVED THAT JOB- and no this is not sarcasm, I truly, madly, deeply loved my job!) May 31 I got married; June 2 we left our family and friends and Cincinnati and started our trip to Denver in a Uhaul (with 2 doped and unhappy cats); June 3 we arrived at our never-before-seen apartment; June 8 my Nana died; June 9 I was back home; a week later I flew back to Denver somewhat relieved, but with a huge emptiness that still surfaces often; and now it is August 14th and I still do not have a full time job. And it isn't due to lack of trying. I know a lot of my grief is being displaced on job seeking. I have tried to deal with the loss of my Nana by writing her letters in a journal to keep her posted on what I am doing and going through. It is a little weird because I find myself thinking "Only if Nana were here I could talk to her about this." The weird thing is I never used to think that; meaning I would just go to my parents' house and she would be there to hear anything and everything I had to talk about. We never had the relationship were I felt compelled to tell her things or get advice or gossip. It was a relationship that had so much love; she was just always there to hear and know what was going on with me and my sister. She cared. And now I find it so hard for her not to be in the loop. So now I just write her these letters she will never get, but part of me feels she is watching over me and can read what I'm writing. It is just so hard to put into words how much pain is still with me. Nana is the first person whom ever meant anything to me that has died. My sister and I were pallbearers at the funeral. My sister wrote a eulogy and I read it. That was hard on both of us. Death is tricky. Part of me is so relieved Death took her, and that she finally gave in and let It. She was looking so frail and meek. That fat Nana I had once had, was no longer. She was so helpless and miserable. Part of me wanted Death to take her so she could be happy and at peace. But the selfish part of me is so PISSED she is gone and was taken from me. WTF? Hello, can I enjoy my new life a little before I have to deal with losing one of the most essential people in my life? Yet, I knew when I said goodbye to her when we left for Denver that was the last time I would ever see her again. I could hear it in her voice and especially how she told me, "Now, go have a good life with Sean in Denver. Be happy." That might not be exactly what was said, but I got the message- "Go, be happy, live your life, I have lived mine and it is time for me to go, just as it is your time to go." Go can mean so many different things...It was harsh reality slapped in my face. I bawled. I knew. Nana had done all she could for us; there was nothing left for her to do. It was our time to live. Live and love FOR her. No longer would it be with her. My sister hit the nail on the head when she wrote in her eulogy something along the lines as this- The hardest part is that she is gone. For so long she was a stable, important, vital part of our existence and now there is a hole there. She was always there, such a major part of our lives and now she is gone. Death ripped her away and left a gaping hole in our lives. Damn Death. That's the selfish me. However, she wasn't going to let Death take her until she was ready. She waited to see me and Sean get married. She had a great time at the reception. It is surreal that she died just 8 days after that. I got our wedding pictures after she died. That was hard. I had just seen her in a coffin. Dead. Looking better, her face fuller than my wedding day. Regardless I treasure those few pictures I have of me and her at the reception. I know this little blurb cannot and will not encapsulate the grief, the pain, the relief, and the often present emptiness I feel losing my Nana. In fact, I wasn't even planning on writing about this. The worry I wrote about in the first few lines was meant to be an introduction into my job searching dilemmas. But then I had to be all insightful and realize I'm masking a lot of my pain and putting it on the job search. Don't get me wrong I'm stressed, a LOT, about getting a career here in Denver, but I think I get more worked up because I miss Nana. Grieving my Nana. How is it that she is gone? Physically gone? No more hugs. No more random wit. No more noddles. (Not that I ever ate them, but it was Nana.) No more insane worry to quell. No more attitude. No more complaints about fries that aren't brown. No more NANA. That's the hardest thing to grasp- she is GONE.

Just wanted everyone to know I am DONE!! This quarter is officially O-V-E-R! I'm slightly ecstatic! By the way I have no idea how the little cat icon is displaying "accomplished"- it reminds me of that commercial for some cassette tape (started with M) where the guy is sitting in the chair in front of the TV and is getting blown away by the loudness of the sound...the kitty looks a little distraught, not accomplished. Oh well.

It isn't that I really hate exams, I hate that I am burnt out, exhausted, running on less than empty, and have to somehow pull it together to finish up my exam. I have been working on it for the last two hours. I decide to procrastinate some and post. I have one question to answer. I have to write at least 3 pages on the question. My brain is sooooooo not focusing. I have to fight my will just to sit here and type, not to mention think critically about the question. It is my last exam for the quarter. I want it to magically be done and over with! On the bright side I have 16 days left at my internship...yay!!! My supervisor had the nerve to ask me what I wanted to accomplish the rest of my time here. Nothing was what I wanted my reponse to be. I simply said I just want to get my hours done, that's my goal. She didn't appreciate that...so I had to come up with goals. The problem is when I do, they never really get accomplished because they change things there like a fart in a whirlwind. Well I guess I'm done procrastinating. I need to get focused back on Strain Theory...hmmm is it odd that I chose that theory over control or learning theory to write about??? 

This was the day that I questioned if God hated me, hatred that grew as the hours past- I wondered...

To start my day off I was running late. I left my apartment; it was raining and dark. It was about 6:55 am. I got in my car and started on my way to work, thinking to myself (because let's face it who else do we think to?) Anyway thinking this rain is really making it difficult to see. I got on the highway, about 5 minutes into my drive and I drove past an exit sign. It was really blurry- it dawned on me, I left my apartment without putting in my contacts! It wasn't the rain or the darkness, it was just my lack of vision that was making it difficult to see. I turned around and went back and put in my contacts. Round two- I get to work 30 minutes late. I have two people asking me to sign off on movement before I even took off my coat. Next, I meet with a client and try to complete her progress report and my computer lost 90% of my saved documents (or they are lingering somewhere in a random folder I don't know exists or how to get access to.) I put that on hold. Then I am having a great session with my next client and we are really getting to some solid issues, possibly a breakthrough. Another client comes to my office interrupting my session that was getting somewhere and she is all out of breath and looking like she's going to pass out. She asked if she and I could meet another day. I had just transferred her to Electronic Monitoring last week and she took none of her blood pressure meds with her and made zero effort to come get them. It's a long story, but I was fairly certain this was a ploy to avoid responsibility. I have her sit in my office and she starts shaking. I asked the other client if we could finish up later and she was fine with that. I spent the next hour with my little personality disordered client. She got herself so worked up 911 was called. I had 4 EMS guys in my office and she checked out as having high blood pressure but no other signs of distress. They reported she did not need to go to the hospital. So I talked to my manager and we decided she needed to be taken off EM because obviously she can't be responsible for her health. To shorten this long story a bit I take her off EM, she throws a fit, states she wants to go back to prison (oh by the way if you are unaware what a personality disorder is- any behaviors that are characterlogical and ever present, usually choatic, energy-sucking, ways of coping with life and always to get attention drawn to the individual.) So I call the PO and tell the long story to the APA supervisor. Then she tells me to forget it, she's going to stay. Then I get randomly selected to submit a urine and I have 8 hours to do so. Yay me! Luckily (or so I thought) another co-worker was selected as well, so at lunch we ordered food and thought we could submit the urines and then pick up the food, all in one fail swoop...ummm, yeah, not so much. She drove, I'm hungry, I peed no problem, she on the other hand could not submit enough urine. So we sat and waited, held hostage by a bladder. She drank a bottle of water. Tried again. Not enough. Drank another bottle of water. I'm now dead from starvation. We wait. Two hours after arriving, she finally submits enough urine!! We go get our food (which is obviously cold) and I eat it on our way back to work. I had to leave as soon as we get there because I had to get to school to drop off my assignment and pick up my mail before I had to rush to Clermont County Hospital to get my stiches out. It is still raining outside. I walk across campus, get my mail, turn in my assignment, walk back to my car. That was fun. It is 4. I have to be in Clermont at 4:45. It's raining. It is a mysterious substance, I know, and driving is so much more difficult because you have to actually pay attention and NOT talk or text on the cell phone- it is insane that Mother Nature could be so inconsiderate of drivers. Every where I look there is traffic and accidents. I hear roads are closed due to accidents and high water. I select what I think will be the best route and get caught behind, what else, an ACCIDENT! So I'm behind a line of cars backed up a hill (one-laned that eventually turns to two-laned) and a cop and an ambulance drives by. As we creep along I notice I see someone out of my peripherals. I look over and a car is right beside me. WTF? This is a single-laned road lady. Obviously there is an accident ahead and this whack job is about to cause another because of impatience. I eventually squeezed her back behind me with my keen driving skills. I finally get to the Eastgate area by 445. This is what time I should be at the dr's office. Well I call to report that I'm almost there and asked what I should do. They wanted to reschedule me for Wednesday. This was all I could take. I was experiencing the emotional vomit rising up from my gut. I asked if there was anyone else I could see, I just needed to get stitches out. I explained I had to miss class for this appt. and the earliest they could get me in on Wed. would be 1015. I need to be at work at 9:30. They told me if I could get there by 5 to come on in and they would see me and if not I could go to outpatient and the dr could see me there. So my emotional vomit settled back into my gut and in the end, I was saved by Jesus. (That's my dr's name.) Heehee!  Maybe God just has a sense of humor and needed to get me in touch with mine...  

Today I am much better! In fact at about 3:15 PM yesterday I turned around. I think most of my problem was I was throwing a big ol' fashioned tantrum because I am unable to get my way. I don't want to have to move out of my apartment at this time. I don't want to wait to meet the preacher. I don't want to be without my pilot for almost a year. I just wasn't willing to accept these things are going to happen and no matter how much I cry and vent to my pilot and sometimes AT my pilot these things will not change. I wanted to blame all the things that are happening around me and they are happening all at once, but what it really boils down to is I wasn't getting my way. Life wasn't happening according to MY time table. The nerve of life! *smile* So I am better- tantrum over...until the next time I don't get my way...heehee!

I'm emotional mess today. So much so that I don't think I can pull it together enough to get through my internship today. I'm 90% sure I will be calling in this morning. So what has caused this emotional upsurg? I told you all I was getting married...well we haven't been able to set a date or book anything because the church is the key to plan all this around. I found out yesterday that the appointment that we set up over a week and half ago has to be pushed back for another week. Most rational people would not get stressed by this. But let's count all the "mole hills" I'm dealing with (or trying to): 

1. We have to move in 30 days- I have 3 potential places to move, but honestly do not want to leave my apartment.

2. why do we have to move? That would be because the pilot got the job he wanted in the west. Yay for him- and I am happy for him...it's the timing of all of this.

3. Now I'm faced with moving not once but twice; after the wedding I'll be moving out west (where? we wouldn't know that at this time- SCARY FOR ME!!!!!!!)

4. School starts 9-24 for me. I'm taking 2 classes, interning, working full time, and planning a wedding.

5. The pilot leaves the end of this month and we are going to be separated until after the wedding- with occasional visits 

6. A possible change going on with my sister and I'm happy for her, but it is just more unknown...

7. THEN the call yesterday with the preacher putting us off for another week. 

I guess it takes 7 mole hills to create a mountain...at least for me. All this stuff is just so unknown and even though the rational me is aware all will work out, the emotional me is throwing a freaking tantrum inside me. The control freak me that I have been desperately trying to change is about ready to spew out of me- watch out!! 

Oh- I forgot- just for fun, my supervisor at the internship is 99% sure she is getting deployed to Iraq!! Life thought for poops and giggles we'll toss that one in as well. 

 This all is just too much emotionally for a control freak to handle. I need to feel in control to feel secure and safe and I don't feel like I am in control of anything!! I'm pretty flexible and adventurous, but I can't handle this much "adventure" all at once. I mean obviously I'm going to have to figure out a way, but I can't hold it together anymore. The pilot thinks I'm being so irrational and can't figure out why I'm freaking. He is so the opposite of me and goes with the flow, knowing everything will work out. I feel like until we have a date, a church, and reception site booked I cannot relax and have nothing to work toward. Having those things planned makes me a little more at ease- I KNOW something, I have something CONCRETE. This sucks... 

In the ocean we talked about how unready the pilot was to get married...the next night he proposed to me on the beach!!! I was shocked to say the least. I sobbed for a moment...wondered if this was real. I'm still trying to wrap my head around this! He really surprised me- he was so convincing in the ocean...I thought I was going to wait another year for this day...no more waiting!! We get to spend the rest of our lives together! AGHHHHHH!!! Now for the wedding plans....(even though they are already mostly in my head.)

Well yesterday I faced my management team and apologized for emotionally throwing up all over them. They were very supportive. I just love that I get sooooooooooooooo overwhelmed that I don't even recognize it and I end up having to clean up my emotional vomit. I explode all of my frustrations and then I'm fine- except I have to make amends with whomever was in my way when I started spewing...that's all I got for tonight- time for BED!

Fire bad, tree pretty...that's been the day I've had. I threw a tantrum at work yesterday over something minor, got my way, and now questioning why I got so extreme.  I think there is some validity to my point, but not as far as I took it. I think (let me rephrase- KNOW) I am stressed and wound tighter than Cameron on Ferris Bueller. Plus I have the amusing hormonal coaster taking me all over the place. After pondering this situation for a long time I think that I felt like I was getting taken advantage of and that, without fail, will send me in a whirlwind. I have this automatic response in me to get extremely defensive when I feel taken advantage of. This is when I start asserting myself, which always ends with me taking the situation over the top. Plus I have a tendency to think I'm right...well I received feedback to a person involved who I respect tremendously, but at the same time I was soo infuriated with her because of this...anyway she gave me feedback and I'm trying to wrap my head around all of it. Maybe it is all me and I don't have a valid point, but I have to wonder is part of what she said to me her being defensive because I sort of questioned her decision? I don't know and I know I am being VERY vague...I have to face 3 authority figures tomorrow to discuss what my tantrum was about. After talking with my one co-worker I really am questioning myself. I also have a problem asserting myself with authority figures, so this I'm questioning if this is the reason I'm questioning myself or is it because I really do need to look at my behavior. Maybe I'll write about how the meeting went tomorrow and give more detail........see why I'm at fire bad, tree pretty- with all of that going on in my head??? 

I cannot wait for my vacation. I just read my sister's entry about her vacation. She is gone for a week to Maine. I am a little envious...I want to be on vacation. I get to be in a couple of weeks, which I know will be here and gone before I realize it. But I am soooooo needing a vacation before I go all wonky. We (my boyfriend, his family, and me) are going to San Destin FL. THE BEACH!! I cannot wait! We will be gone for 6 nights- entirely too short, but I will take what I can get. We went to Virginia Beach last summer and had a fabulous time (except for the ride home...somehow ending vacation with a 11 hour car ride with someone who can push my buttons at the speed of light is not fabulous.) So what is my point I am writing about- not really sure...I just want to be on vacation...will I even know what to do with myself??? It will be the first week in over a year that I have completely off of everything! No work, no classes, and no internship!! Yay me!

Yes I had to look up the meaning of quixotic before I used it...

I ended my work day on a great note! I had one of the best sessions with a client. I could see the glimmer of her getting it- life that is, and how to become more successful. She has been through so much and was on the verge of getting kicked out of the program. However, the past week or so I have seen a change in her. We talked for over 2 hours- my sessions usually last 20-30 minutes. She really opened up tonight. Of course part of my giddiness I feel is my grandiose self taking some credit for her change and growth. Plus that same grandiose self is deluded into thinking she has got it now and will stop her bullshit altogether. My logical self puts my gradiose self in check a lot, but so far tonight I'm still sporting the grandiosity! I actually think it is my grandiosity that keeps me in this war I'm fighting. So it is my greatest asset. I hope to never lose it; if I did my efforts would be lost. 

The war I referred to is my own personal crusade to help one person at a time learn to love- not to hate. I'm talking about the self. The world would be so much better if everyone could love their selves.

I am so proud of my sister...

She faced her fear and kept her doctor's appointment. I love her- she gives me strength!!


That's it.

Thursdays...

So I woke up last Thursday with a feeling of dread about going to my internship. I thought to myself I was just worn out and tired and there was nothing to feel dread over...the universe likes to throw curve balls...

I get to my internship- granted, wearing a fairly worn pair of pants- but they get the job done (or did). I was scheduled to go to the County jail to observe an intake. This is at 8:20 AM. We get to the car to leave for the jail; I sit and feel a rip. My freakin' pants decided "Hey, today would be a great day to fall apart, and really fuck with Kellie to see how she pulls this one off!" For those of you that don't know me I work full time, take classes, and now, interning 2 days a week. So there isn't a lot of free time. Unless something is completely unbearable, I trudge on through. So you ask what did I do, having almost 8 more hours to get through at the internship (unpaid) and about 3 hours after that at my job...

Luckily I had my long (knee-length) sweater with me. So in 80 degree weather I am walking downtown with a big sweater on- NEAT!! I wore the damn ripped pants for 11 hours that day- how frickin' riduluos?!

The story does not end there...Thursday is a sneaky little bastard. Today (which happens to be TH) I wore nice black slacks and nice blouse. I wore casual black dress shoes. Well today, as I am sitting in the pod (jail lingo for the common area where all the residents get together for groups and whatnot) I saw it pouring outside. It continued for a while and quit by the time I left. However, as I walk to my car I noticed there was a lot of water pooled in the parking lot. I looked at my car and at first glance, thought my damn tires were flat! The water was THAT high. "How the fuck am I suppose to get to my car without getting my pants wet?" SO I pulled them up as far as I can- not even considering what to do about my shoes. And before I knew it both feet were COMPLETELY submerged in the stupid water. Funny part is I still have to go to my job...I had a thought of calling in and just taking the hours off, but realized in the end that would just put more stress on me, because paperwork would be late, etc. So I embraced the suck (as my supervisor says) and went to work. My shoes were drinched!! I had a hunch I had an old funky pair of flip flops in my trunk and held onto that hope. I got to work and looked in the trunk and discovered I did have those flip flops. To appreciate the humor I must describe these things- remember blouse and slacks- they are white with penguins on them. Then frayed scraps of material are tied in knots around the part that goes over the foot. This material is bright blue with some red and green. So I swallowed any shred of dignity/vanity that Thursday now allows me to have and wore these goofey ass flip flops at work. 

What will next Thursday bring...

I absolutely LOVE these...I miss Spike and Buffy!!! The Unfaithful vid I found on myspace videos. It is an awesome take on their relationship...I could watch Spike and Buffy all day...

Thank you for your comments about my previous entry. I was not really sure how I came off and it is touching to know you all understood what I was trying to say. My sister is amazing and I love her! I still don't know how to do all the fancy tricks on this thing yet, because I tried to respond to my sister's comment and ended up posting a comment to my comments! When I have time to figure this stuff out, my journal might be a little more exciting. So since I'm not sure how to respond to the comments yet so that they get to the intended person, I will just say a group thank you! I was very touched and I am so glad you care about my sis. Sis, you're a hell of a woman!! (to steal a Spikedom) 

:)